Alternate Facts

*Alternate Facts

What do most people believe concerning climate change ?

Mark me down as a northern Michigan man who has reservations about this so-called climate change. The climate has always been changing, I say. It’s a lot different now than when I grew up. For example, if you wanna talk about cold winters, when I was a boy it weren’t nothin’ special when the snow went up past my knees. Now, iffen we happen to get a foot of snow someone yells climate change and the politicians hurry to spend my money on sumpin’ else we don’t need.


I’d like to hear one of these climate change fellars ‘splain’ to me how we had ice ages in the past and that wasn’t climate change then, but now a little warmer weather makes it climate change and the sky is falling in according to the climate experts. Besides, the Lord Almighty controls our weather and I’m sure he wouldn’t let all the bad things happen that the climate change folks are now talkin’ about.


Oh, well, the flood and Noah’s ark you are talking about was in another time and place, so you can’t compare those times with today. They didn’t have climate experts in those days. And no, I don’t know how they got the penguins and the polar bears from the artic to walk all the way to the desert where Noah built the ark … but they did. Nobody called the big flood a climate change, it was just punishment for sin.


The fake news says the cause of climate change is man-made, that it’s due to carbon dioxide and air pollution from burning fossil fuels. That seems like a pretty weak argument to me. Didn’t the stone age people have fires also and wouldn’t that pollute the air same as the fires we burn today? Of course, they only burned wood because oil wasn’t invented, was it? Well, no matter, smoke is smoke. I read where they are saying that all the air pollution is only causing a two-degree increase in temperature. How can that hurt us? Hell, I’d like to have a 2-degree increase in northern Michigan about right now.


Even if it is 4 degrees Fahrenheit, not 2 degrees, and even if it is an average temperature, that doesn’t seem very much to me. How can a measly 4 degrees make such a big difference?

What’s that? It is hotter in some places and colder in others you say? You and the climate experts should make up your minds, which is it, hotter or colder? I think you folks are confused. I remember that one of our U.S. Senators carried snow into the Senate chamber. He said that snow in the city of Washington, D.C. proves climate change is a hoax. I agree with him.

It’s more complicated than that? I can understand how hotter weather can melt some of the ice but I don’t see how drought and flooding can both figure into a changing climate and I’ve never heard anybody explain it either. In fact, the only reasonable climate change explanation I heard came from a friend of mine; he said that the temperature change is caused because the earth has been wobbling during its trip around the sun. Sounds believable to me. I also understand that some climate scientists don’t agree with the carbon dioxide theory, so how do you deal with that? But here is my main concern: whatever remedies the government proposes for fixing the issue will undoubtedly cost me more money for gasoline and my heating bills will also go up. Why should I have to fix someone else’s problem?



Even if the climate change heating does cause drought, the people who live in the desert areas where the drought is should start saving water. We’ve got plenty of water in Michigan so why should we Michiganians worry about them. Let them take care of themselves.

I agree that those who live in the western areas must do something to prevent the fires that seem to be sweeping across the western states, especially California. If only the Californians would rake their forests, they could prevent the fires. And the flooding -- again, that’s someone else’s problem, not mine. Let them worry about it. I don’t go to Florida anyway, by the way.

But let me give my most important reason for not supporting climate change efforts and I challenge you to publish this. Ninety percent of patriotic Americans will agree with this, but most won’t have the guts to say it.

The main reason I don’t support efforts to solve climate change is because of abortion. Yes, abortion. I think that killing unborn children by aborting fetuses is not a Christian thing to do. Any leader who supports or allows abortion must be evil. I only support politicians who swear they will work to prevent abortions and if they don’t support climate change then they must be correct on that as well, so you climate people will have to find another politician to do your bidding. Here, let me sign that.

 Signed,

Harold E. Goodbottom, Jr., A Proud Patriot

* Author’s Note -This piece of satire is not the product of my imagination. Rather, each of the arguments given here is an opinion by one of my acquaintances about climate change. I believe you’ll agree that we have a long way to travel if these arguments from uninformed citizens remain typical of our voters.